3 things truly confident people do differently from the rest of us
I know a secret.
After being a therapist for years and now a coach - I’ve had the privilege of being invited into people’s most personal, vulnerable inner experiences.
And here’s what I know - Many high-achievers struggle with confidence.
I’m talking CEOs, high level executives, even professional athletes.
They’re smart, successful, and capable. But they know they’re capable of even more. It’s just that their confidence (or lack thereof) is holding them back.
The confidence ceiling
Sometimes the only thing keeping you stuck at your current level is you. You might be highly capable. But your skills aren’t always enough to get you where you want.
If your confidence isn’t dialed in you might:
Experience imposter syndrome. Sure, everyone tells you you’re great. But you’re terrified they’ll find out you’re a big, fat fraud. And this can lead to burn out (More about that here)
Watch others pass you by. You work hard. You’re good at what you do. So why are other people accomplishing things while you stay put?
Feel stuck at your level. You want to progress. But you want to know it’s going to work out before you go for it. So you keep researching and waiting until you feel confident before you take that next step.
If this sounds like you, never fear. Your goals are just a few mental shifts away.
Confident people get more done
The truth is, success is a simple multiplication problem:
Skills x Confidence x Plan = Success
But if you remember good old multiplication, you know that if you put in even one zero, it zeroes out the whole equation.
So, yeah. You may be the Subject Matter Expert of all SMEs. You may have an amazing plan too!
But it won’t matter if you don’t have the confidence to get er done.
So, let’s talk about what truly confident people do that’s different from the rest of us.
1 - Truly confident people don’t wait until they feel confident
A lot of Type-A folks were really good students. They learned the answer from the teacher. They raised their hand for a bathroom pass. They got the right answer from the teacher or the textbooks. And they asked for permission.
Here’s how that shows up in adulthood:
You endlessly research, looking for the “right” answer or plan to help you hit your goal or solve life’s problems
You crowdsource from all your friends, family, and anonymous Facebook groups - asking them what you should do next
And you get ridiculously confused. WHAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER? EVERYBODY IS SAYING SOMETHING DIFFERENT! YARGH. So you end up staying put.
But truly confident people don’t wait until they feel confident that it will work out perfectly. Because they feel confident that they’ll figure it out, no matter what.
So while Type-A’s are researching and crowdsourcing and waiting for a sign from the universe, they’re getting lapped by the confident people who are out there - making decisions, taking action, gathering data, letting it be messy, and making it happen.
2 - Truly confident people don’t worry about haters
The truth is - There are people in this world who are not your people.
There are people who have questionable judgment.
There are people who won’t like you no matter what.
I’m just speaking facts.
But here’s the thing - Truly confident people don’t spend their time trying to make those people happy. They know whose opinion matters and they focus on only on them.
I used to try to morph myself into being a “cool girl” that guys would want to date. I’d buy action movies I didn’t like so if they came over, they could see how “cool” I was. I pretended not to be too interested so I could seem “cool.”
I spent all my time and energy focused on pleasing some random guys who were probably never going to be into the real me.
I spent exactly zero time thinking about the people who were into me for me. And a funny thing happened - I met my husband when I had my guard down and was completely myself because I didn't think he was “my type” and I wasn’t trying to impress him.
Truly confident people know and trust that there are people who are their people. And if someone doesn’t “get them” they don’t make it mean something is wrong with them.
3 - Truly confident don’t depend on achievement and validation
Validation and achievement were my drugs of choice. I only felt good when I achieved something. And my confidence was completely conditional on external recognition.
And here’s what happened - I spent all my time chasing the next compliment rather than going after what I wanted.
If I thought someone might not like what I did, I didn’t do it. I valued what other people liked over what I liked.
I’d get a nice little dopamine hit whenever I hit a goal, crossed a finish line, or got recognized - but it wore off almost immediately and I’d go back to feeling like I wasn’t good enough or successful enough.
And I’d have to chase my next hit.
Truly confident people don’t outsource their confidence to achievements and validation. They don’t chase a feeling of “enoughness” because they know they’re always enough. Instead, “enough” is their baseline and they go for greatness.
If every achievement is a test of your worthiness, the stakes are just too damn high. And you’ll either feel overwhelmed and pressured to the point where you can’t take any action. OR you’ll go for it, only to feel frustrated in the end.
Chasing a feeling of “enough” is like looking for your sunglasses when they’re on your head. You’ll never find it outside of you because it’s already there - inside. Just waiting for you to recognize and embrace it.
How to build true confidence
Confidence is an inside job. There is no certification, promotion, pay raise, or award that will make you love yourself.
And the good news is that anyone can build true, unconditional self-confidence.
If you want to build confidence, you need to build a rock-solid relationship with yourself.
Detach your worth from your results and others’ opinions
Notice how you talk to yourself about yourself
Build self-trust by following through on your plans
Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are
Use mistakes and failures as invitations to be kind to yourself, learn, and improve
Take messy action
Learn how to be uncomfortable and do it anyway
Make decisions based on what you want, not what you fear
Know that anyone who doesn’t appreciate you is confused
Once you’re armed with confidence, you’ll have a competitive edge over everyone else. No more zero success equations.
And you’ll be able to appreciate all that you’ve achieved AND achieve more.
If you’re sick and tired of feeling constantly behind, unappreciated, or stuck - we should talk. Click the button below to connect with me.
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Hi! I’m Erica
Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.
I’m a licensed mental health therapist, former management consultant, and certified coach. I help busy professionals get out of their own way so they can achieve more with less stress.
Let’s be friends! Follow me on Instagram
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