How to bounce back when life takes a dump on you
I hate crying at work more than anything.
But there I was — sobbing at my desk. Like the ugly hiccupping kind of crying. And I couldn’t stop.
After years of hard work, obsession, and toiling in academia, I had just gotten rejected by another doctoral program. My other application had landed me on a lengthy waitlist and my PhD dreams were flushed down the toilet.
I was devastated…and sent home from work.
I’ve had so many setbacks. And they all majorly sucked.
So if life recently took a dump on you and you’re struggling to move on, here are some things you can do to get to the other side and feel happy again.
Let yourself feel bad
Most of us try to avoid this part. Cause feeling bad feels…bad.
We try to think positive thoughts. We tell ourselves it was no biggie. We numb out with alcohol and food and social media and work.
Which is all well and good except that’s just not how emotions work.
Avoiding bad feelings makes them last longer (rude).
The best way to feel better? Let yourself feel bad. Like really, really bad. Feel as bad as you need to. And try to do things that help the feeling move through you so you don’t end up with bad feeling constipation.
You can:
Talk to a friend
Write in a journal
Have a good cry
Vent in a letter and then destroy it
Exercise
Time does not heal all wounds if you pretend you don’t have a wound, you know?
Healing comes with walking through the bad feelings so you can come out on the other side.
Pay attention to the story you tell yourself
We experience a thing. And then we tell ourselves a story about what happened.
It could go something like this:
Crap situation —> “I’m a giant pile of suck. What’s wrong with me? I’m going to die alone and miserable and poor. I’m fundamentally messed up. I effed that up so bad.”
And then you feel all kinds of Les Miserables — but without the glorious singing.
You don’t want to believe everything you think. ESPECIALLY if you’re in a doom spiral.
Instead, try this on for size:
Draw a line down the middle of a paper
On the left side, write down the facts of the situation
On the right side, write down all your thoughts about it
Once you can see the story you’re telling yourself, ask yourself, “What else could be true?”
There are other possible stories that might feel better and help you move forward.
Take responsibility but don’t blame yourself
It’s easy to blame yourself when things go sideways. But self-blame is lame and useless.
Let’s break this down real quick, ‘cause most people get this part twisted:
Self-blame — Taking a dump on yourself after a setback. Telling yourself all kinds of nasty, shamey kinds of things so you feel like super duper ass and you can’t learn from the setback and you never want to “put yourself out there” again cause it feels sooooo horrible and bad so you end up hella stuck.
Self-blame is focused on the past.
It robs you of the energy to move forward and grow.
It’s punishment, not accountability.
Self-responsibility — Taking radical ownership for your choices and decisions. Looking at your choices and outcomes and asking yourself, “What worked? What didn’t? And what could I do differently? What can I learn from this situation?”
Self-responsibility is focused on the future.
It allows you to feel disappointed and bummed out but also…empowered.
It helps you use the setback to learn and grow.
You can take responsibility WITHOUT the blame. So own your decisions. But be cool about it, you know?
Treat yourself
If you’re dealing with a super crap situation, it’s stressful af. And stress can take a toll on the body. So this is the time to be really kind to yourself.
It’s easy to dwell on the setback.
But you want to do things that feel good, boost your confidence, and make you happy.
Here are some ideas:
Go on a trip
Take up a new hobby or revisit an old one
Hang out with friends
Wear clothes that make you feel like a badass
Help others
Tell yourself things that feel good like - “I’m moving on.”
Look at the big picture and keep the situation in perspective
Focus on what other amazing things are possible for you in the future
Remember how resilient and amazing you are
Pssst - If you’re going to do unhealthy things like eat an entire chocolate cake while binging Netflix because you need some comfort right now, go right ahead. But here are the rules:
Don’t beat yourself up afterwards
Keep it time limited — One weekend of comforting indulgence may be what you need right now. But if this turns into a regular thing you’re probably avoiding your feels (please see point one in this post) and you might just end up with a new problem on your hands. And that’s the last thing you need right now. Amirite? Which brings us to…
Do your unhealthy shit with purpose — Decide ahead of time when you’ll do it. Make a plan. Do it. And then go live your best life.
Move on after a setback
Setbacks happen.
It’s easy to think that the most successful people don’t experience that kind of crapola. But the truth is — They’re just better at dealing with it.
They’re not afraid of setbacks. Because they know that they’re just part of the territory.
They don’t make setbacks mean — “Better quit!”
They let themselves feel disappointed and discouraged.
They take responsibility.
They evaluate and learn.
And they keep going - even better than before.
After I got heartily rejected from my PhD programs, I cried — a lot. But after feeling really REALLY bad, I realized I only wanted to get my PhD so I could be called “Doctor” (which didn’t seem like all that great a reason to accrue tons of student loan debt and delay making an income for 4-5 more years).
I also recognized that I could do everything I wanted professionally with my Master’s degree.
So, yeah. I didn’t get in. It felt like butt. And I will always be grateful that it worked out that way.
Because I was able to go on and create a life and career I loved.
You can too. Your latest setback might just be your greatest opportunity.
I provide my clients with the tools they need to achieve more with confidence.
I can save you months of struggling to figure things out on your own.
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Hi! I’m Erica
Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.
I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.
I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.
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